So there you are, sitting together in a quiet and darkened room. Candles are lit, Prosecco is chilled, maybe a bath is drawn. You are looking lovingly into each others’ eyes, savouring each others’ presence. You are thinking about how all this began, not so long ago. The conversations started innocently enough, but they seemed to inevitably led to flirting. Flirting led to coffee, which led to diners, which led to more.
But tonight, there are no distractions and no stresses. The mood is right, the setting is right, and you both know how this encounter will end. You lean into the impending kiss… then your phone chimes.
Oh, shi… It is your partner, and they know all about your encounters!
Affairs happen.
It is not inevitable, and they are always done voluntarily. If they were truly not voluntary, then I recommend you contact the Gardaí immediately.
There are a number of reasons why people have affairs, and the reasons tend to be different between men and women. Men tend to have short duration, low intimacy affairs (think of: “travelling salesman meets a one night stand while on the road”). Women tend to have longer duration, higher intimacy affairs (think of: “businesswoman has an office romance with her colleague”). Importantly, these are only trends, and are not fast rules!
So what? My partner cheated! It’s over… right?
That depends on both of you. Here is a simple step-by-step guideline for those of you who find yourself in this situation:
Decide if you want the relationship with your partner to work. This applies to both parties separately.
If you do not, then end it. This applies to either party.
If you do, and you are the one having the affair… STOP. Stop meeting with your affair. Stop calling your affair. Stop texting your affair.. Stop sending carrier pigeons or smoke signals to your affair. Contact only leads to more pain.
If you do, and you are not the one having the affair… STOP. Stop asking your partner about the affair. Stop demanding answers and details. Stop trying to force confessions. Interrogation only leads to more pain.
If you both want your relationship to work, please consider contacting us or a similar service.
Myths about Affairs
Once a cheater, always a cheater. As mentioned above, there are a number of reasons for affairs. If the partner who had the affair wants to change, they will change. This will take work and a good deal of personal reflection, which may benefit from personal therapy.
Affairs mean there is no hope for relationship. As long as both partners want the relationship to work and the affair is over, then there is an 80% chance of a healthy relationship. This includes the presence of any kind of addiction. Both partners need to understand that the relationship they had is now gone. The relationship moving forward will be a totally new one which must have a foundation of trust and commitment. This takes work, and can take some time.
It was not an affair! We never got physical! An relationship is built on trust. When one partner reasonably feels that the trust has been violated, that is when you are having an affair. Because your partner is talking to someone you do not like, does not mean they are having an affair. If they are doing it after having told you they were not, or are actively hiding it from you, that would be an example of broken trust.
My partner wouldn’t have affairs if I didn’t… While shame and guilt are both natural for both parties, in almost all cases the responsibility rests solely with the one having the affair. Having said that, if there is any violence or abuse by either party in the relationship, couples counselling is not appropriate. We do offer services for those experiencing abuse, and those who abuse.
If you have any concerns or questions about this or any other couples-related issue, please feel free to contact us!