For most couples, one of the subjects that is bound to cause significant tension are finances.
But, before we begin, please let us be clear on what exactly we are talking about. Here is a fun fact: It is almost never about the money.
Yes, you read that correctly. Most of the time, financial conflict is about competing personal values, not competing bank accounts.
Often, the conversation begins with something like: “You spent HOW MUCH?!?”, or “Why did you get that!?! We can’t afford it!”
Consider both statements. They are both value statements about the purchase, and not about the money itself. This is a large part of the underlying issue that surrounds most financial fighting.
Now, to be clear, if financial decisions are leaving you without food, shelter, and clothing, then it is definitely something much more serious. In that case, you and your partner may want to speak with a financial expert, or a therapist, or both!
Barring those relatively rare circumstances, when you and your partner are headed for a row, consider stopping and trying the following:
Ask yourself, what exactly is bothering you about your partner’s decisions?
Verbalise those concerns in as non-blaming a way as possible. Try and include as much about your own values as you can. This is hard, since we almost never think actively about what we believe and value.
Invite your partner to explain their values in their financial decision-making process. It may help for both of you to take turns and repeat back, in your own words, what you understood your partner’s position to be. This process is rarely smooth or easy, so please try and not interrupt you partner while they are explaining.
All done? Great! Now you are about half-way there. Now comes the downhill struggle of compromising on your shared values.
If you have any concerns or questions about this or any other couples-related issue, please feel free to contact us!
Happy New Years!